Imagine that you firmly believe you were born gay, and one day you're driving down the freeway that happens to be the same one that both your parents take to and from work every day, and you're contemplating how to come out to your parents and help them understand your gay identity, when suddenly you see a huge billboard with big block letters proclaiming this message:
Of Course It's a Choice. It's OK to Be Gay. |
And in the lower right corner, in little letters it says: "Paid for by your local PFLAG Chapter."
You're not going to be very happy about that, are you? Of course not—because your belief that you were born gay is a key aspect of the way you see your gayness, and the whole idea of coming out to your parents is to help them understand you as the person you truly believe yourself to be. Similarly, queer by choice people who come out to our parents usually want our parents to understand and love us for who we truly see ourselves to be.
But for a queer by choice person, this situation could really happen. In January 2000, at the same time that Frank Aqueno and Gayle Madwin were both corresponding intensively with PFLAG National about the failure of various PFLAG chapters to assist queer by choice people in helping our parents to understand our own experience of queerness as a valid and very positive choice, a PFLAG chapter in Canada was putting equal effort into a project of its own: erecting billboards throughout the city with messages defending queer rights. And what did one of those billboards say? You guessed it! Here's what this PFLAG chapter wanted to pay $3,000 to proclaim in huge letters alongside a major traffic thoroughfare:
It's Not a Choice. It's OK to Be Gay. |
Just what we queer by choice people all so desperately needed our parents to drive by and read twice a day on their way to and from work, right? In big block letters: "Do not believe a word your child says. Your child does not understand her/his own sexuality. We understand your child better than your child does. Do not listen to a word your child says . . ." And even better—note especially the way the two sentences are joined to imply that the first sentence, "It's not a choice," is the reason that it's OK to be gay. As in, "If it is a choice, then it's sure as hell not OK to be gay and you should immediately hand your child over to the nearest ex-gay psychoanalytic institution to be emotionally and physically abused until s/he promises to turn hetero and let you dictate and control every detail of his/her love life forever."
In fact, we could go even further with our criticism and ask why this PFLAG chapter settled for such a timid and defensive word as "OK." Can you imagine a billboard proclaiming "It's OK to Be Asian" or "It's OK to Be a Woman" or "It's OK to Be Black"? Not likely. Oppressed groups with any sense of self-respect do not settle for a word like "OK"—they go for positive characteristics, like "It's Cool to Be Asian" or "It's Great to Be a Woman" or "Black Is Beautiful." Why does this PFLAG chapter think that gay people should settle for advertising that we're merely "OK"?
Now, don't get us wrong. Most queer by choice people love the idea of queer-rights billboards. A PFLAG chapter in New Jersey put up two billboards proclaiming "Someone You Love is Lesbian or Gay," and most queer by choice people would love to have our parents drive by those billboards on their way to and from work every day. But when the message PFLAG puts on its billboards is "It's Not a Choice. It's OK to Be Gay," then PFLAG is responsible for helping to oppress us, making it even harder than it already has to be for our parents to understand and respect our own experiences of queerness.
The Canadian PFLAG chapter did not, by the way, manage to get their "It's Not a Choice" billboards approved—but not because anyone cared how queer by choice people would be harmed by them. The city's homophobic mayor simply refused to approve any billboards defending gay people's human rights. It's a sad day when proud queer people have to count on the accidental side effects of homophobic censorship to prevent PFLAG from spreading lies about us that make our coming out process harder than it already is. Unfortunately, however, it's by no means a rare occurrence. Consider one of the most common ways that PFLAG chapters make public statements: their chapter websites. Even a brief survey of PFLAG chapter websites will reveal many that make statements in large letters on their main page denying the possibility of anyone choosing to be queer. Here's one example that occurs on at least two different PFLAG chapter websites:
"Our members are also your gay children, brothers, sisters and friends, who tell us . . . We were not taught to be gay. We were not recruited. Our affectional orientation is not a result of the parenting skills of our mothers and fathers nor the influence of our teachers. It is not a choice, it is not a lifestyle, and it is not a sin. We cherish our families and want to be a part of their lives. We want to live in long-term loving relationships."
—the PFLAG Lansing, Michigan website and (with a few words changed) the PFLAG Anchorage, Alaska website
Many other PFLAG websites make similar claims:
Is homosexuality a sin?
No. Homosexuality is innate. Studies show it exists in every species God has created. It is not a choice nor the result of an abusive childhood nor a lifestyle.
—the PFLAG Atlanta, Georgia website
Is it a choice?
No. Sexual orientation is not a choice, but rather a discovery we all make about ourselves.
—the PFLAG New York, New York website
We Know...
That sexual orientation is NOT a choice.
—the PFLAG Winston-Salem, North Carolina website
The most important step is to understand that sexual orientation is not a choice, rather it is predetermined in the same way your hair color or left-handedness is, and cannot be changed.
—the PFLAG South/Central Rhode Island website
Being LGBT is not a choice.
Sexual orientation is not a "lifestyle" choice. Sexual orientation is just one of the many ways that people differ. Just as a heterosexual person does not choose to be attracted to the opposite sex a LGBT person does not choose their orientation either.
—the PFLAG Lubbock, Texas website
The Sexuality is not a Choice booklet is still being downloaded almost 1000 times a month from our website. . .
—the PFLAG Brisbane, Australia newsletter
But the most disturbing PFLAG website we've seen is probably the one from PFLAG Lincoln, Nebraska, which includes a page called "Basic Facts About Sexual Orientation." A huge percentage of these "basic facts" are things that some proud queer people strongly disagree with. Each "basic fact" is followed by quotations to support it—but just because other people said these things, that doesn't mean that PFLAG has to agree with them! Here's one of their "basic facts," along with its accompanying quotes:
Sexual orientation is not a choice.
Sexual orientation is deep-seated and not something one chooses to be or not to be.
~ Dr. Alan P. Bell, senior author of "Sexual Preference", Bell, Weinberg & Hammersmith, Indiana University Press, 1981.Research suggests that the homosexual orientation is in place very early in the life cycle, possibly even before birth.
~ Taken from the American Psychological Association Statement on Sexual Orientation, July, 1994.
Anyone who thinks that queer by choice people's parents would be better off listening to Dr. Alan P. Bell or the American Psychological Association than to their own children who say they chose to be queer should consider what they would have been saying if they'd similarly advocated the views of the American Psychological Association in 1972 when their official statement about homosexuality was that it was a mental illness. The American Psychological Association is a heterosexual-controlled, profit-motivated association with a history of saying whatever the American public wants to hear. They are not the first ones to get concerned when their viewpoints harm lesbian, gay, transgendered or bisexual people. Why would anyone promote their viewpoint at the expense of the viewpoint of queer people like us?
Here's the next "basic fact":
It is believed that there are several factors which determine sexual orientation.
Sexual orientation is likely to be the result of several different factors, including genetic, hormonal, and environmental. None of these factors alone are responsible for determining sexual orientation. Psychological and social influences alone cannot cause homosexuality.
~Tineke Bodde', "Why is My Child Gay? " Federation of Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, Inc., 1988."There is evidence that parents have very little influence on the outcome of their children's sexual orientation under normal upbringing conditions."
~June Machover Reinisch, Ph.D. (Response from brochure) "Why is My Child Gay?" Federation of Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, Inc., 1988.
"It is believed . . ."? By whom? Of course even a queer by choice person could easily say there were "several factors" contributing to their choice, but there are also people who consider themselves born gay who would say that biology is the only factor that ever contributes to causing sexual orientation. Each person has a right to examine the studies for themselves and form their own opinions about how many factors and which factors cause sexual orientation. But the quotes from Tineke Bodde' and June Machover Reinisch represent only certain selected beliefs rather than the full range of possibilities, and the absence of any quotes respresenting queer by choice beliefs seems to indicate that when PFLAG Lincoln's website says "It is believed . . ." they are not referring to queer by choice people doing the believing. In other words, queer by choice people's beliefs don't count. As far as PFLAG Lincoln is concerned, queer by choice people don't even exist.
All right, here's the next "basic fact" for you:
Gay or lesbian children discover their sexual orientation about the same time heterosexual children discover theirs.
Gay and lesbian children are often aware of being different at a very early age. They generally become aware of their sexual orientation during adolescence or early adulthood.
~ R.R. Troiden, "The Formation of Homosexual Identities", The Journal of Homosexuality, 17, 43-73.
What about all the gay and lesbian people who didn't begin considering themselves gay or lesbian until they were 40 or 50 or 60 years old? What of the poet Adrienne Rich, who began her lesbian life at age 40 and whose extensive writings on lesbian issues were all firmly based on her belief that lesbianism was a form of love that any woman could choose and should be encouraged to consider choosing? To say that gay and lesbian people "discover their sexual orientation during adolescence" implies that there is something wrong with all of the people who began considering themselves gay or lesbian later in life—that they are stupid not to have figured it out earlier (never mind that some queer by choice people, like Adrienne Rich, would argue that it was not there to be "figured out" earlier, because they were not queer earlier in life) or that they may be confused about their "true" orientation. These people may be turning to PFLAG for help too—and statements like "Gay or lesbian children discover their sexual orientation about the same time heterosexual children discover theirs" can potentially encourage the parents of someone who has begun considering themself lesbian at age 40 to go into denial and insist that their child is not "really" lesbian at all. In fact, even many kids who first identified as gay when as young as 15 or 16 did or still do feel ashamed of the supposedly "too old" age at which they began considering themselves gay, because statements like this one make them erroneously think that gayness somehow "should" always be clearly "revealed" to every gay person the moment they reach puberty. It's a fact that different gay people begin considering themselves gay at very, very different ages. Denying this diversity and pressuring everyone to feel stupid if they didn't all "recognize" their gayness at an "early age" only adds to the burden of guilt and shame that many gay people already feel. Additionally, the very phrase "discover their sexual orientation" is not inclusive of queer by choice people's experiences. A person speaking of the time they chose to be queer might say "I chose to be queer," "I became queer," "I started identifying as queer," "I began considering myself queer," or "I discovered queerness"—but one thing that many of us would never say is "I discovered my queerness." To say that would imply that we already had a queerness hidden inside us waiting to be discovered, and many of us do not agree with that.
We might add, however, that Richard R. Troiden's comments (quoted by PFLAG Lincoln above) were tempered by the adverbs "often" and "generally," making them considerably more reasonable than the boldfaced summary "Gay or lesbian children discover . . ." (not "often discover" or "generally discover") added by the PFLAG website writers. More interestingly, though, Richard R. Troiden staunchly opposes "gay gene" theories and considers them homophobic—and the article by him that PFLAG Lincoln quoted was published in the Journal of Homosexuality, which is edited by John P. De Cecco, who just happens to have appeared on The Donahue Show alongside QueerByChoice list member Frank Aqueno in 1992 to say that he chose ot be queer. Interesting coincidence, isn't it? A sociologist who considers "gay gene" theories homophobic publishes an article in a journal whose editor is queer by choice, and then a PFLAG chapter takes a sentence from that article out of context and twists it to seem supportive of a page whose content is thoroughly supportive of "gay gene" theories and thoroughly oppressive of queer by choice people. I wonder what secondhand source the PFLAG chapter got the quote from? They certainly don't seem to have read the rest of the article, much less the rest of the journal it was published in.
Another "basic fact":
Sexual Orientation can not be permanently changed.
Research findings suggest that efforts to repair homosexuals are nothing more than social prejudice garbed in psychological accouterments.
~ Taken from the American Psychological Association Statement on Sexual Orientation, July, 1994.No scientific evidence exists to support the effectiveness of any therapies that attempt to convert homosexuals to heterosexuals.
~ John C. Gonsiorek and James D. Weinrich, eds., Homosexuality: Research Implications for Public Policy, Newbury Park, Calf.: Sage, 1991.All attempts fail when gay people try to become heterosexual.
~D. C. Haldeman, "The Practice and Ethics of Sexual Orientation Conversion Therapy", Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 62, p.221-227, 1994.* Many therapists also believe that efforts to change sexual orientation can be damaging to a persons mental health.
It is certainly fair to say that most gay people who attempt to become heterosexual fail, and that these attempts can be damaging. Notice, however, that all of the quotes are about gay people trying to be hetero, rather than hetero people choosing to be gay. And from those quotes, the chapter concludes that "sexual orientation cannot be permanently changed." Funny—we don't seem to hear many stories of people failing in their attempts to become queer, nor of them being psychologically damaged by their conversion to queerness. Choosing to be queer and choosing (or more commonly, attempting to choose but failing) to be hetero are two extremely different phenomena, for the simple reason that society does not define queerness and heterosexuality in symmetrical ways. A person who chooses to be queer is not usually under tremendous social pressure to become queer, nor running away from some overwhelming internalized heterophobia. A person who chooses to be queer is also not usually under any great deal of pressure to hide and lie about their former heterosexual life in order to "fit in" with other queers and prove themself to be "really" queer. A person who chooses to be queer is usually free to casually mention that opposite-sex marriage they had a few years ago, and their queer friends will never think them any less queer for it. And a person who chooses to be queer is not at all likely to be racked with permanent guilt and shame for having formerly "succumbed" to "heterosexual temptations." So what does choosing to be queer have in common with ex-gay "reparative therapy"? Virtually nothing. It is ridiculously unfair to use evidence that relates only to ex-gay "reparative therapy" as a reason to accuse proud queer teenagers who say "I chose to be queer" of not knowing what they're talking about—and worse yet, to accuse them of this in front of their parents and the whole world of people who visit the PFLAG chapter website.
As for gay people trying to turn heterosexual, it would be perfectly fair if the website said something like, "The vast majority of gay people who have tried to become heterosexual have not succeeded in doing so, and many also feel that they were emotionally harmed by being encouraged to attempt it." This is a provable fact. But to assert that all attempts fail is going beyond what can be scientifically proven, and if the intent is to dissuade parents from putting their children in "reparative therapy" programs, then PFLAG could do a far more effective job of this by restricting itself to provable facts so as not to come across as biased. Certainly there are many people, including some queer by choice people, who do believe that all attempts to change from gay to straight fail—but there is a big difference between these personal opinions and what can actually be proven. Restricting our arguments to provable facts is far more likely to change the minds of a parent considering "reparative therapy" than making unproveable assertions.
Okay, one last "basic fact" for you:
The incidence of homosexuality is constant regardless of new laws or social attitudes.
It [homosexuality] is found in about ten percent of the population, a figure which is surprisingly constant across cultures, irrespective of the different moral values and standards of a particular culture. Contrary to what some imply, the incidence of homosexuality in a population does not appear to change with new moral codes or social mores.
~ Taken from the American Psychological Association Statement on Sexual Orientation, July, 1994.
This one is downright absurd. There is an entire huge and thriving branch of Queer Studies known as "Social Constructionism," with professors in the history or anthropology departments of nearly every accredited private university in the western world, which is devoted specifically to researching the history of cultures where virtually every member of society entered into same-sex sexual relationships—from ancient Greece to 16th century Japan to early 20th century Melanesia, and in hundreds of other cultures as well. Social constructionist history is a flourishing academic discipline whose findings are widely read both by queer by choice people and by the broader community of queer people who resist or have doubts about the "gay gene" theory. See our Social Constructionist Links page or, better yet, the books listed in the Social Constructionist Section of the QueerByChoice Book List for details.
This same list of so-called "Basic Facts" from the PFLAG Lincoln, Nebraska website is unfortunately reprinted word for word in a newsletter on the PFLAG Detroit website—despite the fact that the earlier portions of this newsletter had instead stuck to the perfectly legitimate, provably true statement that "Generally, homosexual orientation is experienced as a given, not as something freely chosen." We have no objection whatsoever to the statement that queerness is generally experienced as something not freely chosen. We readily recognize that those of us who experience our queerness as a choice are in the minority—we comprise approximately 8% of the queer community, according to the 1997 Internet Survey of Queer and Questioning Youth. But it's just as unacceptable for the other approximately 92% of queer people to use their majority status to deny the existence of queer by choice-identified people entirely as it is for the approximately 90% of people who are straight to use their majority status to deny the existence of queer people entirely. Why is it so hard for PFLAG chapters to limit themselves to legitimate statements like that queer by choice-identified people are a minority, instead of denying our existence entirely?
Imagine that you firmly believe you were born gay, and one day you're driving down the freeway that happens to be the same one that both your parents take to and from work every day, and you're contemplating how to come out to your parents and help them understand your gay identity, when suddenly you see a huge billboard with big block letters proclaiming this message:
Of Course It's a Choice. It's OK to Be Gay. |
And in the lower right corner, in little letters it says: "Paid for by your local PFLAG Chapter."
You're not going to be very happy about that, are you? Of course not—because your belief that you were born gay is a key aspect of the way you see your gayness, and the whole idea of coming out to your parents is to help them understand you as the person you truly believe yourself to be. Similarly, queer by choice people who come out to our parents usually want our parents to understand and love us for who we truly see ourselves to be.
But for a queer by choice person, this situation could really happen. In January 2000, at the same time that Frank Aqueno and Gayle Madwin were both corresponding intensively with PFLAG National about the failure of various PFLAG chapters to assist queer by choice people in helping our parents to understand our own experience of queerness as a valid and very positive choice, a PFLAG chapter in Canada was putting equal effort into a project of its own: erecting billboards throughout the city with messages defending queer rights. And what did one of those billboards say? You guessed it! Here's what this PFLAG chapter wanted to pay $3,000 to proclaim in huge letters alongside a major traffic thoroughfare:
It's Not a Choice. It's OK to Be Gay. |
Just what we queer by choice people all so desperately needed our parents to drive by and read twice a day on their way to and from work, right? In big block letters: "Do not believe a word your child says. Your child does not understand her/his own sexuality. We understand your child better than your child does. Do not listen to a word your child says . . ." And even better—note especially the way the two sentences are joined to imply that the first sentence, "It's not a choice," is the reason that it's OK to be gay. As in, "If it is a choice, then it's sure as hell not OK to be gay and you should immediately hand your child over to the nearest ex-gay psychoanalytic institution to be emotionally and physically abused until s/he promises to turn hetero and let you dictate and control every detail of his/her love life forever."
In fact, we could go even further with our criticism and ask why PFLAG settled for such a timid and defensive word as "OK." Can you imagine a billboard proclaiming "It's OK to Be Asian" or "It's OK to Be a Woman" or "It's OK to Be Black"? Not likely. Oppressed groups with any sense of self-respect do not settle for a word like "OK"—they go for positive characteristics, like "It's Cool to Be Asian" or "It's Great to Be a Woman" or "Black Is Beautiful." Why does PFLAG Toronto think that gay people should settle for advertising that we're merely "OK"?
Now, don't get us wrong. Most queer by choice people love the idea of queer-rights billboards. A PFLAG chapter in New Jersey recently put up two billboards proclaiming "Someone You Love is Lesbian or Gay," and most queer by choice people would love to have our parents drive by those billboards on their way to and from work every day. But when the message PFLAG puts on its billboards is "It's Not a Choice. It's OK to Be Gay," then PFLAG is responsible for helping to oppress us, making it even harder than it already has to be for our parents to understand and respect our own experiences of queerness.
The Canadian PFLAG chapter did not, by the way, manage to get their "It's Not a Choice" billboards approved—but not because anyone cared how queer by choice people would be harmed by them. The city's homophobic mayor simply refused to approve any billboards defending gay people's human rights. It's a sad day when proud queer people have to count on the accidental side effects of homophobic censorship to prevent PFLAG from spreading lies about us that make our coming out process harder than it already is. Unfortunately, however, it's by no means a rare occurrence. Consider one of the most common ways that PFLAG chapters make public statements: their chapter websites. Even a brief survey of PFLAG chapter websites will reveal many that make statements in large letters on their main page denying the possibility of anyone choosing to be queer. Here's one example that occurs on at least two different PFLAG chapter websites:
"Our members are also your gay children, brothers, sisters and friends, who tell us . . . We were not taught to be gay. We were not recruited. Our affectional orientation is not a result of the parenting skills of our mothers and fathers nor the influence of our teachers. It is not a choice, it is not a lifestyle, and it is not a sin. We cherish our families and want to be a part of their lives. We want to live in long-term loving relationships."
—the PFLAG Lansing, Michigan website and (with a few words changed) the PFLAG Anchorage, Alaska website
Many other PFLAG websites make similar claims:
Is homosexuality a sin?
No. Homosexuality is innate. Studies show it exists in every species God has created. It is not a choice nor the result of an abusive childhood nor a lifestyle.
—the PFLAG Atlanta, Georgia website
Is it a choice?
No. Sexual orientation is not a choice, but rather a discovery we all make about ourselves.
—the PFLAG New York, New York website
We Know...
That sexual orientation is NOT a choice.
—the PFLAG Winston-Salem, North Carolina website
The most important step is to understand that sexual orientation is not a choice, rather it is predetermined in the same way your hair color or left-handedness is, and cannot be changed.
—the PFLAG South/Central Rhode Island website
Being LGBT is not a choice.
Sexual orientation is not a "lifestyle" choice. Sexual orientation is just one of the many ways that people differ. Just as a heterosexual person does not choose to be attracted to the opposite sex a LGBT person does not choose their orientation either.
—the PFLAG Lubbock, Texas website
The Sexuality is not a Choice booklet is still being downloaded almost 1000 times a month from our website. . .
—the PFLAG Brisbane, Australia newsletter
But the most disturbing PFLAG website we've seen is probably the one from PFLAG Lincoln, Nebraska, which includes a page called "Basic Facts About Sexual Orientation." A huge percentage of these "basic facts" are things that some proud queer people strongly disagree with. Each "basic fact" is followed by quotations to support it—but just because other people said these things, that doesn't mean that PFLAG has to agree with them! Here's one of their "basic facts," along with its accompanying quotes:
Sexual orientation is not a choice.
Sexual orientation is deep-seated and not something one chooses to be or not to be.
~ Dr. Alan P. Bell, senior author of "Sexual Preference", Bell, Weinberg & Hammersmith, Indiana University Press, 1981.Research suggests that the homosexual orientation is in place very early in the life cycle, possibly even before birth.
~ Taken from the American Psychological Association Statement on Sexual Orientation, July, 1994.
Anyone who thinks that queer by choice people's parents would be better off listening to Dr. Alan P. Bell or the American Psychological Association than to their own children who say they chose to be queer should consider what they would have been saying if they'd similarly advocated the views of the American Psychological Association in 1972 when their official statement about homosexuality was that it was a mental illness. The American Psychological Association is a heterosexual-controlled, profit-motivated association with a history of saying whatever the American public wants to hear. They are not the first ones to get concerned when their viewpoints harm lesbian, gay, transgendered or bisexual people. Why would anyone promote their viewpoint at the expense of the viewpoint of queer people like us?
Here's the next "basic fact":
It is believed that there are several factors which determine sexual orientation.
Sexual orientation is likely to be the result of several different factors, including genetic, hormonal, and environmental. None of these factors alone are responsible for determining sexual orientation. Psychological and social influences alone cannot cause homosexuality.
~Tineke Bodde', "Why is My Child Gay? " Federation of Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, Inc., 1988."There is evidence that parents have very little influence on the outcome of their children's sexual orientation under normal upbringing conditions."
~June Machover Reinisch, Ph.D. (Response from brochure) "Why is My Child Gay?" Federation of Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, Inc., 1988.
"It is believed . . ."? By whom? Of course even a queer by choice person could easily say there were "several factors" contributing to their choice, but there are also people who consider themselves born gay who would say that biology is the only factor that ever contributes to causing sexual orientation. Each person has a right to examine the studies for themselves and form their own opinions about how many factors and which factors cause sexual orientation. But the quotes from Tineke Bodde' and June Machover Reinisch represent only certain selected beliefs rather than the full range of possibilities, and the absence of any quotes respresenting queer by choice beliefs seems to indicate that when PFLAG Lincoln's website says "It is believed . . ." they are not referring to queer by choice people doing the believing. In other words, queer by choice people's beliefs don't count. As far as PFLAG Lincoln is concerned, queer by choice people don't even exist.
All right, here's the next "basic fact" for you:
Gay or lesbian children discover their sexual orientation about the same time heterosexual children discover theirs.
Gay and lesbian children are often aware of being different at a very early age. They generally become aware of their sexual orientation during adolescence or early adulthood.
~ R.R. Troiden, "The Formation of Homosexual Identities", The Journal of Homosexuality, 17, 43-73.
What about all the gay and lesbian people who didn't begin considering themselves gay or lesbian until they were 40 or 50 or 60 years old? What of the poet Adrienne Rich, who began her lesbian life at age 40 and whose extensive writings on lesbian issues were all firmly based on her belief that lesbianism was a form of love that any woman could choose and should be encouraged to consider choosing? To say that gay and lesbian people "discover their sexual orientation during adolescence" implies that there is something wrong with all of the people who began considering themselves gay or lesbian later in life—that they are stupid not to have figured it out earlier (never mind that some queer by choice people, like Adrienne Rich, would argue that it was not there to be "figured out" earlier, because they were not queer earlier in life) or that they may be confused about their "true" orientation. These people may be turning to PFLAG for help too—and statements like "Gay or lesbian children discover their sexual orientation about the same time heterosexual children discover theirs" can potentially encourage the parents of someone who has begun considering themself lesbian at age 40 to go into denial and insist that their child is not "really" lesbian at all. In fact, even many kids who first identified as gay when as young as 15 or 16 did or still do feel ashamed of the supposedly "too old" age at which they began considering themselves gay, because statements like this one make them erroneously think that gayness somehow "should" always be clearly "revealed" to every gay person the moment they reach puberty. It's a fact that different gay people begin considering themselves gay at very, very different ages. Denying this diversity and pressuring everyone to feel stupid if they didn't all "recognize" their gayness at an "early age" only adds to the burden of guilt and shame that many gay people already feel. Additionally, the very phrase "discover their sexual orientation" is not inclusive of queer by choice people's experiences. A person speaking of the time they chose to be queer might say "I chose to be queer," "I became queer," "I started identifying as queer," "I began considering myself queer," or "I discovered queerness"—but one thing that many of us would never say is "I discovered my queerness." To say that would imply that we already had a queerness hidden inside us waiting to be discovered, and many of us do not agree with that.
We might add, however, that Richard R. Troiden's comments (quoted by PFLAG Lincoln above) were tempered by the adverbs "often" and "generally," making them considerably more reasonable than the boldfaced summary "Gay or lesbian children discover . . ." (not "often discover" or "generally discover") added by the PFLAG website writers. More interestingly, though, Richard R. Troiden staunchly opposes "gay gene" theories and considers them homophobic—and the article by him that PFLAG Lincoln quoted was published in the Journal of Homosexuality, which is edited by John P. De Cecco, who just happens to have appeared on The Donahue Show alongside QueerByChoice list member Frank Aqueno in 1992 to say that he chose ot be queer. Interesting coincidence, isn't it? A sociologist who considers "gay gene" theories homophobic publishes an article in a journal whose editor is queer by choice, and then a PFLAG chapter takes a sentence from that article out of context and twists it to seem supportive of a page whose content is thoroughly supportive of "gay gene" theories and thoroughly oppressive of queer by choice people. I wonder what secondhand source the PFLAG chapter got the quote from? They certainly don't seem to have read the rest of the article, much less the rest of the journal it was published in.
Another "basic fact":
Sexual Orientation can not be permanently changed.
Research findings suggest that efforts to repair homosexuals are nothing more than social prejudice garbed in psychological accouterments.
~ Taken from the American Psychological Association Statement on Sexual Orientation, July, 1994.No scientific evidence exists to support the effectiveness of any therapies that attempt to convert homosexuals to heterosexuals.
~ John C. Gonsiorek and James D. Weinrich, eds., Homosexuality: Research Implications for Public Policy, Newbury Park, Calf.: Sage, 1991.All attempts fail when gay people try to become heterosexual.
~D. C. Haldeman, "The Practice and Ethics of Sexual Orientation Conversion Therapy", Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 62, p.221-227, 1994.* Many therapists also believe that efforts to change sexual orientation can be damaging to a persons mental health.
It is certainly fair to say that most gay people who attempt to become heterosexual fail, and that these attempts can be damaging. Notice, however, that all of the quotes are about gay people trying to be hetero, rather than hetero people choosing to be gay. And from those quotes, the chapter concludes that "sexual orientation cannot be permanently changed." Funny—we don't seem to hear many stories of people failing in their attempts to become queer, nor of them being psychologically damaged by their conversion to queerness. Choosing to be queer and choosing (or more commonly, attempting to choose but failing) to be hetero are two extremely different phenomena, for the simple reason that society does not define queerness and heterosexuality in symmetrical ways. A person who chooses to be queer is not usually under tremendous social pressure to become queer, nor running away from some overwhelming internalized heterophobia. A person who chooses to be queer is also not usually under any great deal of pressure to hide and lie about their former heterosexual life in order to "fit in" with other queers and prove themself to be "really" queer. A person who chooses to be queer is usually free to casually mention that opposite-sex marriage they had a few years ago, and their queer friends will never think them any less queer for it. And a person who chooses to be queer is not at all likely to be racked with permanent guilt and shame for having formerly "succumbed" to "heterosexual temptations." So what does choosing to be queer have in common with ex-gay "reparative therapy"? Virtually nothing. It is ridiculously unfair to use evidence that relates only to ex-gay "reparative therapy" as a reason to accuse proud queer teenagers who say "I chose to be queer" of not knowing what they're talking about—and worse yet, to accuse them of this in front of their parents and the whole world of people who visit the PFLAG chapter website.
As for gay people trying to turn heterosexual, it would be perfectly fair if the website said something like, "The vast majority of gay people who have tried to become heterosexual have not succeeded in doing so, and many also feel that they were emotionally harmed by being encouraged to attempt it." This is a provable fact. But to assert that all attempts fail is going beyond what can be scientifically proven, and if the intent is to dissuade parents from putting their children in "reparative therapy" programs, then PFLAG could do a far more effective job of this by restricting itself to provable facts in order not to come across as biased. Certainly there are many people, including some queer by choice people, who do believe that all attempts to change from gay to straight fail—but there is a big difference between these personal opinions and what can actually be proven. Restricting our arguments to provable facts is far more likely to change the minds of a parent considering "reparative therapy" than making unproveable assertions.
Okay, one last "basic fact" for you:
The incidence of homosexuality is constant regardless of new laws or social attitudes.
It [homosexuality] is found in about ten percent of the population, a figure which is surprisingly constant across cultures, irrespective of the different moral values and standards of a particular culture. Contrary to what some imply, the incidence of homosexuality in a population does not appear to change with new moral codes or social mores.
~ Taken from the American Psychological Association Statement on Sexual Orientation, July, 1994.
This one is downright absurd. There is an entire huge and thriving branch of Queer Studies known as "Social Constructionism," with professors in the history or anthropology departments of nearly every accredited private university in the western world, which is devoted specifically to researching the history of cultures where virtually every member of society entered into same-sex sexual relationships—from ancient Greece to 16th century Japan to early 20th century Melanesia, and in hundreds of other cultures as well. Social constructionist history is a flourishing academic discipline whose findings are widely read both by queer by choice people and by the broader community of queer people who resist or have doubts about the "gay gene" theory. See our Social Constructionist Links page or, better yet, the books listed in the Social Constructionist Section of the QueerByChoice Book List for details.
This same list of so-called "Basic Facts" from the PFLAG Lincoln, Nebraska website is unfortunately reprinted word for word in a newsletter on the PFLAG Detroit website—despite the fact that the earlier portions of this newsletter had instead stuck to the perfectly legitimate, provably true statement that "Generally, homosexual orientation is experienced as a given, not as something freely chosen." We have no objection whatsoever to the statement that queerness is generally experienced as something not freely chosen. We readily recognize that those of us who experience our queerness as a choice are in the minority—we comprise approximately 8% of the queer community, according to the 1997 Internet Survey of Queer and Questioning Youth. But if you agree that it would be wrong for straight people, who comprise approximately 90% of all people, to use their majority status to deny the existence of queer people entirely, then you must recognize that it's equally wrong for queer people who haven't experienced their queerness as a choice to use their similar majority status to deny the existence of queer people who have. Why is it so hard for PFLAG chapters to limit themselves to legitimate statements such as noting that queer by choice-identified people are a minority, instead of denying our existence entirely?