The Process of Choosing
A Conversation Between Gayle Madwin and Frank Aqueno
The following is a rough transcript excerpted from a
conversation on AOL Instant Messenger on July 2, 2000, between
the owner of the QueerByChoice.com website, Gayle Madwin (shown here as QBC 101), and the owner of the
Queer by Choice
website on AOL, Frank Aqueno (shown here as FRANKAQ). The transcript has
been revised slightly in some places to make it easier for others
to follow.
- QBC 101: all of
my life i have been surrounded by people who talk about
"finding out" they "already are" queer and
being "unable to change"
- QBC 101: it is
VERY HARD for me to understand
- QBC 101: and i
am trying to get my mind around it but it is so very alienating
and it makes me feel like . . .
- FRANKAQ: an
alien
- QBC 101: what
am i even DOING in the queer community claiming to be queer when
the definition of "queer" seems to be "unable to
change"?
- FRANKAQ: well,
you are deconstructing that definition
- QBC 101: yes
but there are all these other people around me who LIVE by that
old definition and i cannot make any SENSE of them!!
- QBC 101: i do
not belong in the hetero community at all but i cannot fit in
ANYWHERE without first deconstructing definitions and
"forcing" my way in. people say that being queer is
about loving one's own sex but in most people's minds
that is not really enough, i have to also say i "can't
help" loving my own sex or else i don't
"qualify" as a "real" queer
- QBC 101: i do
not know what it means to feel "unable to change" the
way you do. you have experienced feeling "unable to
change" but i have not
- QBC 101: and so
. . . i can make up theories all day long about why others go
through this experience of "unable to change" but i am
still really just as unable to RELATE to their experience as they
are to relate to mine
- FRANKAQ:
yes
- QBC 101: and
then you talk about gender roles and power structures, how people
choose to be exclusively with their own sex b/c it is more
comfortably equal, nonexploitative, etc.
- QBC 101: so,
what does that mean about my choice to be bisexual?
- QBC 101: i
enjoy exploitation?
- QBC 101: i am
more optimistic about different genders' ability to get
along?
- QBC 101: what
does it MEAN? why does the whole gender role thing just
completely not MATTER to me in terms of my chosen bisexuality
whereas evidently it matters enough to you to cause you to choose
to be exclusively homo?
- QBC 101: if we
are all born the same then why do some turn out homo and some
turn out bi?
- QBC 101: i can
handle why some turn out hetero b/c i think they are either
cowards or just uneducated about their own sexual potential
- FRANKAQ:
different choices
- QBC 101: but
WHY? is the life of a "typical homo" fundamentally
different from a "typical bi"?
- QBC 101: what
makes us into people who make different kinds of choices?
- FRANKAQ: i
would think experience
- QBC 101: ok
here is the trouble then
- QBC 101: i am
trying to imagine an experience that would have led me to choose
to be homo
- QBC 101: and i
am having extreme difficulty imagining it
- FRANKAQ: give
me the floor a sec....
- QBC 101: by all
means take it, i don't seem to be able to handle it
myself
- FRANKAQ: make
it a boy....playin with a doll he's age 3/4 and he's
alone and his play and fantasy with the doll are private and his
and are influenced by the roles and ideas floated around him...so
he's maybe playing daddy and the doll is mommy...
- FRANKAQ: and
this is all his...he's alone...and it is in that time that he
plays and fantasizes that this 'core' i'm speaking of
develops...he forms his own reaction to the doll....his own
feelings...his own thoughts...they may be a combo of other roles
and thoughts...
- FRANKAQ: but he
mixes it up himself
- FRANKAQ: and it
becomes his...
- FRANKAQ:
NOW....
- FRANKAQ: in
walks Mom or Dad...or Aunt Betty
- FRANKAQ: and
brings all the weight of 'boy playing with doll' to the
forefront
- FRANKAQ: lots
of conflict
- FRANKAQ: lots
of pressure
- FRANKAQ: how
does the boy respond?
- FRANKAQ: in any
number of ways
- FRANKAQ: he can
never pick up a doll again
- FRANKAQ: he can
be very determined to never put one down again
- QBC 101:
lol
- FRANKAQ: am i
right?
- QBC 101: sure .
. . or he can become so terrified of dolls that despite never
picking one up again he fixates on them and thinks of nothing all
day long but them and asking himself what terrible thing may be
inside of him that drove him to pick up that one doll so many
years ago
- QBC 101: one of
the questions in his mind being of course "does this mean
i'm homosexual?"
- QBC 101: so at
puberty or later when the memory comes back to him and brings
that question with it then he examines his feelings and discovers
the same-sex love potential that all people have within them
although so many do not discover it
- FRANKAQ: so
this is the core i'm speakin of
- FRANKAQ: and
how it forms and develops is only a blur to me but i think it
does
- QBC 101: what i
am feeling here though is . . .
- QBC 101: if the
word that Aunt Betty screams at him or that she has in her mind
and silently written all over her face is
- QBC 101:
"homosexual"
- QBC 101: then
he grows up to love men only
- QBC 101: but if
she just screams "queer" and does not really care
whether he's "bisexual" or "homosexual"
then he might love both
- FRANKAQ: well
the extremes are 'conform' or 'rebel'
- there is however a wide spectrum
- FRANKAQ: the
boy at age 3/4 does not have the ability to fully rebel
- FRANKAQ: maybe
he can rebel internally
- QBC 101: ok but
what i am asking/saying is
- QBC 101: this
boy's ability to love others, or more accurately to express
his love for them in a sexual manner, is shaped by either
rebellion or conformity to the labels he is threatened with
- QBC 101: and if
"homosexual" is presented as a real category and
"bisexual" is presented more as a cop-out then that has
an impact on what he becomes
- FRANKAQ: well
it is why 'choice' is so evasive because there are
billions of choices
- FRANKAQ: all in
this area where we have no memory
- FRANKAQ: we
only see those 'conform' or 'rebel' choices now
as suppositions
- QBC 101: but it
is scary being in a world where 99% of the people around me have
no memory of their choices and I DO HAVE MEMORY
- FRANKAQ: well
of that particular choice you do
- QBC 101: it is
very weird and hard to accept that others cannot explain WHY
- QBC 101: and by
their definitions i would be "straight" b/c that is
what i initially (supposedly "naturally") started out
as
- QBC 101: but
see i can EXPLAIN why i initially started out that way
- QBC 101: b/c i
was not aware of anything else, i was not aware that sexual
desire was a feeling that people of the same sex were capable of
feeling for each other
- QBC 101: i was
told that the opposite sex was all that was available to me and
so i chose from among the opposite sex only because i did not
know i had any other options
- QBC 101: then
eventually like so many others altho in a different way than most
of them i finally discovered there were other options
- FRANKAQ: you
speak directly to my statement that "There is no choice
because they say there is none."
- QBC 101: oh yes
ABSOLUTELY yes that is so true i must write it down
somewhere
- FRANKAQ: thats
not the right wording it's in "On
Choosing A Homosexual Lifestyle"
- QBC 101: well i
like it best the way you have just worded it NOW
- FRANKAQ: and
they know that if these options/choices are presented to children
they will make them
- QBC 101:
yes
- FRANKAQ: this
is what scares the shit out of them the most
- QBC 101:
yes
- FRANKAQ: and
you are the living example
- FRANKAQ:
lol
- QBC 101: and so
others when they reach puberty or whatever age at which they
learn who to be attracted to discover different options than i
did . . .
- QBC 101: but
this would mean then
- QBC 101: that a
homosexual has not discovered that the opposite sex is an
option?
- FRANKAQ: that
by that time THEIR 'inner core' has already been
corrupted and for whatever reasons YOURS was not
- QBC 101: i just
simply recognized that there were other options
- FRANKAQ: and
your 'core' was independent enough still to act upon
them
- QBC 101: the
only thing that made it independent was that i was able to TRUST
that the options were all REAL
- QBC 101: when
people think that something is not an option it is because they
keep questioning incessantly whether it really is one instead of
just going with it and TRUSTING that the option is there
- QBC 101: when
people are afraid of the possibilities within them they cannot
trust that any other options are open and their inability to
trust forecloses all options except the one they are most afraid
of b/c that is the one whose existence they have all too much
trust in
- QBC 101: and
thus the only way anyone can choose to change their sexual
preference is if they are on excellent terms with the one they
already have and are merely choosing to explore other options out
of adventurousness and not trying to run away from FEAR
- QBC 101: FEAR
is something no one can run away from because if you have FEAR
then that FEAR shuts down all other option but itself until you
have nothing else but to face it and become whatever you fear
most because at that point that is the ONLY WAY you have left to
overcome the fear that rules your life and make your life your
own and liveable again
- FRANKAQ: it is
'someone' always making these choices
- FRANKAQ: and
that 'someone' is always unique
- QBC 101: if i
were for whatever reason to have sex with a homosexual of the
opposite sex or a heterosexual of the same sex, this is what i
would say to them:
- QBC 101:
I am going to enjoy this. And I trust that you will be
able to find something enjoyable too if you are bothering to do
this with me at all. But the EXTENT to which you enjoy it is for
you to choose, and you must choose only for the sake of your own
happiness and not mine, because I can never know for sure how
much you enjoyed it anyway so it does not matter to ME. You are
the only one who can know how much you enjoyed it and so you are
the only one to whom it can matter how much you really enjoyed
it.
- QBC 101: people
should not fuss over whether they are officially willing to call
themselves "attracted" or not
- QBC 101:
"attraction" is not some mysterious THING that people
have to "discover" before they can allow themselves to
have sex with someone. it is only a question of "do you
choose to enjoy this moment being sexual with this person or
not?"
- QBC 101: they
should just relax and enjoy the moment and not WORRY about some
mysterious THING called "attraction" or
"non-attraction" or "gay" or
"straight" because their mysterious THING that they
believe in does not even matter. enjoyment is all that
matters
- QBC 101:
because until you get beyond all this fear and worry you will
always be foreclosing your own choices by being too anxious and
unable to trust in the existence of multiple options
- QBC 101:
relaxing and enjoying the moment is what most people are so very
BAD at doing.
Frank Aqueno is a writer, ACT UP/Queer Nation activist, and
radical queer performance artist born in 1942 who chose long ago
to love men. Gayle Madwin is a writer and editor born in 1976 who
chose in 1992 to love both genders. To hear more from Gayle
Madwin and Frank Aqueno, visit Gayle's QueerByChoice Member Profile and Frank's
Queer by Choice
website.
©2000 by Gayle Madwin and Frank Aqueno. All rights reserved.